Sandra

The day is winding down in all its glory, night is falling, and here in the house everything is finally quiet, at least for a moment.
Enough time to place myself here behind my laptop with my tea that is steeping. So that I can return to this afternoon in peace and safety. The haze and chaos have cleared up a bit in the meantime. I am among the living again. Even though the haze could have lasted a little longer for me. Just me and my body for a moment, Just very quiet in my head, no thoughts, no pain, no worries. Only a warm silent haze, in which I float around my own body. My body, with every fiber of me. And I felt it, I felt every touch, every flow of energy, the warmth, the safety. But I also felt sadness, heavy and far too long pent-up sadness, I felt pent-up frustration leaving my body together with the tears. I shed bittersweet tears, because no matter how heavy the sadness was, how great the relief was that the tears finally flowed. No idea how you did it, but I am so incredibly grateful to you for freeing me from my shell, taking off my mask in complete safety so that I could completely let go of control in complete confidence... Me, the control freak par excellence.

I was able to sink so deeply into my body, to surrender myself so much to the moment, to the touches. I felt, experienced things that I never thought possible, that I did not know existed.
You asked me if I saw all the colours of the rainbow, well I meant it when I said that I saw colours that did not yet exist... I travelled on the rainbow, while my body rested in your hands.
I was afraid, terrified, that I would never be able to feel like a real woman again after my operation, afraid that I would never be able to feel anything sexually, afraid that what everyone talks about was not meant for me because of what was hidden in my backpack. It felt like fireworks in every fiber of my body, so intense, so powerful, so blissful... My first time, and what a time... and I don't know if it was 3 times, or just 1 long time... it came, and kept coming, all over my body... With the necessary discharge of tears afterwards, tears of pure gratitude, tears of relief, tears of victory.

From a farewell letter, to a thank you letter ... and that in 1 and the same day... From black, to all the colors of the rainbow and more... I hope that the colors are strong enough to overcome the fight, the fatigue, the pain... Because today I felt there on that mat, who I really was, that little girl, who wants to be seen, who wants to give love in abundance, but also receive it, that much too small girl who wants to break out, and grow into the best version of herself. That girl who wants to discover what else there is in life, who wants to break away from the past. Who wants to prove everyone wrong... I am more than my trauma... and today felt so liberating... Thank you for what I was allowed to receive, and experience... all the colors of the rainbow and more.

My apologies for overwhelming you with all my tears and my spitting out how I really felt... I still don't know which button you pressed that made this happen. And I'm a little ashamed now.

I hope I can come to you again, 1 because it means that I didn't collapse under the weight of my backpack and kept fighting. 2 because I owe it to myself, for all the time I didn't take care of that body of mine. 3 because I feel that this has healed so much in 1 moment that I couldn't in all those years before. So as soon as I've saved enough money again, it will definitely be to lie in the safety and care of your healing hands.

Thank you Christophe from the very deepest of my heart and my child's heart that you have partly healed today.

See you someday on the rainbow

(You may certainly use my text as a testimony, if it can convince even 1 person to take the step to you, then very much so. Because as I said yesterday: people should be obliged to come a second time because this is such a big difference from the first time.)