It has been a while since I underwent an energetic massage. I started searching online and my eye fell on 'tantra massages'.
It was the first time I was triggered to read more about it.
No idea why, because I actually linked this to 'something about sex' and why would I have sex with someone else if I have an intimate relationship that I feel good about?
I read with fascination and my whole body read along.
How it went, the benefits afterwards,....
It appealed to me enormously. What's more, I also read about the yoni massage and immediately I thought "I have to do this".
Anyone who is familiar with these concepts knows that tantra yoni is a step further than regular tantra.
Now that I knew what it entailed and I knew that I wanted to have such an experience, I started looking for experienced givers in the area.
I read every page on their site and every possible review.
If you surrender yourself wholeheartedly to someone, and make yourself so vulnerable, it must be a professional person who does it the way it should be done.
My preference was for a woman, this felt more right to me.
Okay, I had found the right -educated- woman for me.
After some emails back and forth, the appointment was in my agenda. I found it super exciting and thought it was good of myself that I would allow myself this.
I was really looking forward to it.
As always, I arrived too early.
It was a sunny autumn day and I enjoyed the warmth on my face for a while and checked for the last time whether the sound on my phone was turned off.
I went in and it immediately felt good.
Nice and warm, bright and ready (but not too).
There was music playing and there were smells that I knew from my meditations at home.
Time was taken for an introductory meeting.
Everything was explained well and I was allowed to undress.
With a large, soft, black towel around me, I walked - still somewhat uncomfortably - to the mattress.
I lay on my stomach and Saskia sat next to me, dressed in comfortable clothes.
The massage started and there was not much difference from a normal massage for the first half hour.
Of course it became more intense and intimate towards the end, but I was prepared for that.
Not for a single second does it feel wrong.
It is not my intention to discuss the two and a half hour massage in detail.
I can say that there was nothing erotic about it. I didn't climax either in case you were wondering, that wasn't anyone's intention.
As I lay there and tried to surrender myself to every touch - difficult for a control freak by the way - I could only enjoy it.
In my head I kept telling myself how beautiful I thought this was. 'Beautiful' was the word that kept coming back. I kept saying 'thank you'.
That I discovered this, that I allowed myself this, that I could and was allowed to experience this, that I dared to do this, that I actually had no problem with it at all despite what it entailed, that it is even more special than I could imagine .
I felt different, even though you couldn't see anything on me, difficult to explain, but I had become more of a woman.
I had healed a little more, grown further and came closer to my true self.
For me it was a success. Wondering if I will do this again.